| triste |. soulmate levi

Warning for mention of depression.
   ••••

 You  wanted to believe in fairytales, shield yourself away from the truth and clutch to your own lies so that you wouldn't get hurt. You discarded away the logical conclusions and smudged the chrome of harsh reality from the canvas of your brain.

It was so easy to blind yourself from the truth; cover your ears from the vibration of those fury framed words. It was like as if your whole world collapsed in a quake and your eyes burnt to see his contained expression.

       "I don't believe in soulmates."

Your ears rang with those words, followed by a desperate attempt to claw your eardrums.

You wanted to wake up from this nightmare. But you woke up into a nightmare. Your mind was exhausted, alienated, tortured, played with, filled with fear and distrust.

Oh how much did you want to erase his name from your shoulder. But this name couldn't be erased. It burnt with a silent agony of rejection.

How amusing was it?  Your soul mate had caused your soul to weep and wither, to indulge in a relentless rhythm of the ferocious beating of his words against your mentality.

Soulmates are such a blessing. A reflection. If one doesn't find them, they will feel as if they are missing a piece of themselves, aching, gut wrenching emptiness would begin to control their emotions. When they do find them, the link would complete, they would be saved from this perilous feeling. There is, however, an exception- rejection. Depression follows.

"B-But Levi," you bore a worried expression, "have you ever glanced at the name on your shoulder blade? Don't you ever wonder who your partner is?"

"No, never. And I don't want to. I don't want whoever this shit-mate is."

Funny how rejection worked. Levi rejected the idea of having a life partner. You rejected his rejection.

It was even funnier when his rejection made you crave him more. The beauty of his soul, that esthetic grace, so fervent.

Those emotions...untouched, placid.

Pure.

 Maybe your judgement was being clouded by a desperate need for your soul to attain serenity. Too sad it couldn't be helped.

You had been a coward by not telling him about the letters  in-scripted on your shoulder. You didn't have the guts to face the consequences. Only one option was left-flee. Run away and bring forth the defence forces- alcohol, tissues and ice cream.

A question seemed to haunt you forever.

Why was Levi behaving like this?

Maybe he was afraid to love and to be loved because love seemed to crumble all the emotional barricades. The same barriers which he had constructed to shield himself from the foreign feeling of love.

And now, you were suffering from this cancerous depression, racing inside your veins  with such a speed that it made you red and pale at the same time. Infecting you second by second.  Could he not feel you tremble, perceive the wetness of your salty tears and react at the pace of your heartbeat?

You were ready. Ready to slice your heart and make some place for his  heart which was surrounded only by prickly wires.

'The pain isn't worth it.'

'I am delusional.'

Reality started to surface up, bubbling out like some grotesque material, thick, slimy and malformed.

But you still clung on to a thread of hope, wanting to feel love. This feeling which was so beautifully  described in books.

A massive feeling which envelopes a being in every breath they take. A dominating tune to which they want to tap their feet forever. This feeling was more than love....it was...everything.

 A sudden rage emerged from you. Hatred. You loathed yourself for trying to depend on a person only to achieve peace.

You asked yourself every question you can think of- what, why, how come, and then your sadness turned to anger. It drove you, fed you.

This whole soul mate thing was maddening you to no end. If it had not existed....if you had been given a little chance to find another being to take love from and give love to...your heart wouldn't have been crushed.

But your current situation was filled with torture....torture from him. An endless process.

Placing your head on your knees, you let the irrational tears fall unrestrained. Tears you weren't ashamed to allow to slip, undeterred, to the carpet stained with wine.

You gulped, thinking of moments you longed for, and knowing you’ll never have them again. The beautiful ghosts of the past haunted you. And they definitely did not outweigh Levi's words- those enervating soul-sucking tentacles.

"I am crying over the loss of something I never had. How ridiculous. Mourning over someone....who doesn't want me....doesn't even know I'm his partner...and yet....he has rejected me."

A thought seemed to seep out from your mind, calming you. Maybe someday out of curiosity, he would look at his shoulder blade....and accept what fate has offered him.

Just maybe...